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Tuesday, January 21st, 2003
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| Time: | 3:14 pm. |
| Music: | Kid Rock & Sheryl Crow - Picture. |
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i was on regis and kelly this morning and they kept yelling my name like they were boxing announcers or something. it was really getting on my last nerve. oh and ashton kelly said hi.
there's alot more that i'd like to say but i'm afraid to for a few reasons. i dont want to keep putting myself out there only to be laughed at or mocked in other ways. the truth is, i'll always love amanda. and she knows that. i need to just fucking suck it up and come to terms with the fact that she doesn't love me anymore, as much as it kills me to admit, its something i need to do. i can't lose her as a friend, having her completely out of my life would tear me apart, but i can't keep doing what i've been doing to her and expect her not to hate me for it. amanda, i'm sorry. for everything.
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Thursday, January 16th, 2003
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| Time: | 3:54 am. |
| Mood: |  depressed. | | Music: | my baby - only hope. |
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i needed a break. i packed up some stuff and went back to my parents house and pretty much vegged out in their basement and hung with my sisters and brother. i thought that if i got away from everything then i could once and for all get over amanda. i was only fooling myself. i'll never be over her. she's my whole life, my whole heart. losing her was the most heart-wrenching expierence i've ever had to endure, its hard to go on knowing she wont be by my side day after day.
its just so hard.
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Wednesday, November 20th, 2002
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| Time: | 2:43 am. |
| Mood: |  contemplative. | | Music: | John Mayer - Why Did You Mess With Forever. |
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i talked to amanda today for the first time in probably months. i havent been able to stop thinking about her for the longest time... i told her i still love her and i'm not sure how she feels about it. i think it might have scared her a little because she got really quiet, and thats not like her at all. i still havent talked to chris.. i'm not sure if much good would come of it if i did. i care about him so much, theres no way i'd deny that. but i'm still in love with mandy. i gave her so much more than i gave anyone else before, or since. chris, i'm sorry. i don't know what else to say to you besides i'm so sorry.
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Saturday, November 16th, 2002
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Lately I've been neglecting alot of things. My friends, my family, this journal. Hell, even my boyfriend. I haven't talked to Chris in almost a week, we had a big fight and he left. I haven't heard from him since. I'm afraid to call him because I don't know if he'll even talk to me. It kills me that I haven't talked to him. I love that man so much, and not being around him is hell for me. I think I'm going to suck it up and give him a call right now. Hopefully he will talk to me.
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Thursday, September 26th, 2002
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i'm not really dead, although i have been gone for awhile i'm not dead. i've been busy as hell, working, eating, sleeping, having sex, laughing at ashton, bringing a sick laura soup, and other things of the sort. i'm not sure where this update is going because my brain is fried right now. all i know is my boyfriend hasnt updated in god knows how long and thats sad.
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Thursday, September 19th, 2002
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you all watched the season premier right? good. how about the latin grammy's? i was there too you better have watched. i like to pimp myself when i've been gone for long amounts of time its pretty sexy of me dont you think?
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Friday, August 30th, 2002
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gene simmions tries to molest my castmates and i. its scary.
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Monday, August 26th, 2002
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i have really neglected this journal lately. oops. mila just yelled at me to update and i cannot upset my little russian whore, so i'm obeying her.
chris and i have been together for almost two months.. its almost surreal how perfect everything is, but i am so greatful for him. i've got nice plans for next tuesday- our anniversary.
i feel like i've been neglecting my friends, however. i've been spending as much time with chris as possible, and as much as i hate to admit it, not paying as much attention as i should to my other friends. for that i'm very sorry.
when we first got back to filming, everything flowed like we never stopped for the summer, but there was a little bit of tension between ashton and danny, but its gotten concideribly better, and i think we're all thankful for that. i have faith in them both that they'll be back to goofing around and playing pranks on eacother in no time. topher's been somewhat M.I.A. and its because of a certin lady marmalade i do believe, which is cool, because she seems to be really good for him. laura is off dating one of those adiovent hoodlums... okay so he's not a hoodlum i just wanted to use that word. ben- you better treat that girl right. she deserves it.
the rest of this will be solely devoted to miss kunis.
mila is hands down the sexiest little russian i have ever had the pleasure to meet. i remember when we first met, she reminded me, in a way, of my sisters, so naturally i had to try and protect her. if she was feeling down i'd go talk to her, let her cry on my shoulder, anything she needed. once i even let her punch me in the gut because she was really pissed off at someone. yeah thats the last time i'd let her do that because even though shes tiny, she has a mean right hook. i've also called a boy or two and threatened them not to hurt her. i think i may have scared them away, oops my bad. but i would do anything for her, hell i'd do anything for any one of my cast mates and they know that. they are the fucking best friends i could ask for. i love you all.
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Wednesday, August 14th, 2002
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| Time: | 4:25 am. |
| Music: | chris' snores. |
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woops i havent updated in awhile.
i've been pretty busy, but its nice to get back into the swing of filming. the people i work with are great, and we always have a blast on the set. but mostly when i play pranks on laura. she's the easiest target because she never expects it. its great, but its all out of love and she knows that. its also great to get mila but then she hits back and after awhile that kinda hurts. danny and i got ashton pretty bad last season. i'd tell you all about it but right now i'm too tired to do so.
things with chris couldnt be better. i love him and he loves me. i think we're getting on lau's nerves though, sorry red. i really should get to bed now, gotta be on set tomorrow to start going over the script and what-have-you.
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Sunday, August 11th, 2002
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dude kutcher you need to not confuse people. FYI to everyone: ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) kutcher is now ashtonk because he is a picky little bitch and got sick of his username.
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Saturday, August 3rd, 2002
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| Time: | 10:38 pm. |
| Mood: |  naughty. |
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So, Laura's in England, and Chris asked me to spend the time that she's gone at the house with him, he didn't have to twist my arm though ;) Today we went horseback riding around the farm and had a picnic at the back of the property under a tree, sounds lame I know, but it was really nice. Once we got back and took care of the horses we were both dying from the heat, so as we were walking by the pool, I picked him up and threw him in. :) It was an accident I swear. He's a quick one though so he ended up pulling me in too, the little bitch.
My life is so amazing right now, I have the best boyfriend who I am crazy about, and the greatest friends anyone could imagine. We started filming again, and it was crazy, I don't think I've laughed that hard in months. I'm going to go attack Chris now, he's been napping far longer than nessasary and looks way too hot in just his boxers.
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Thursday, August 1st, 2002
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| Time: | 3:50 am. |
| Mood: |  accomplished. |
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Hey, I just wanted to direct you all to my journal because I have added in the disclaimer, and I now have amusing comment links but you'll only get it if you watch my show.
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| Time: | 9:18 pm. |
| Mood: |  loved. |
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a few days without feeling his lips on mine... his skin against my skin.. far too long for me to handle. chris is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time and i wouldn't change anything about our relationship. he makes me feel things i never thought anyone could make me feel. and no you sick fucks i dont mean sexually. i mean emotionally. and he says things that make me think, really think about things that nobody else made me think of before. he's beautiful, in ever way possible.
chris, i love you.
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Where is my boyfriend?
Chris I miss you, baby.
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Happy Birthday Topher. I'll show up sometime today or tomorrow to give you 24 punches :) and if your lucky I'll even give you a present.
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Wednesday, July 10th, 2002
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Oh yeah, updating, something I should do.
I've been somewhat busy the last week, spending alot of time with Chris. The rest of the gang too, but mostly Chris. :) I'm really happy with him. More than I have been since... well since before Mandy & I broke up. That was six months ago, and I'm finally back to how I used to be, not all depressed like I was. I owe alot of that to my friends. They were here for me, and I love them all for that.
The fourth was alot of fun, it had been awhile since the 7 of us have hung out like that, I almost forgot how insane we are when we're all together.
Hmm.. I can't really think of much else to say because I'm lame so that's my update.
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Wednesday, July 3rd, 2002
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| Time: | 11:47 pm. |
| Mood: |  sleepy. |
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I haven't been able to sleep much since last night. After what happened, Chris and I sat and talked, for about an hour. We talked about a lot of things. All except one.
What now?
When he was leaving, the sun was starting to rise, and I walked him to his car. Before he could get in I grabbed his face, and kissed him, passionately. I watched him get in his car, wink at me, then drive off with a goofy look on my face.
Then I went back inside my house and went down to the game room and laid on the floor. Thinking about everything, how he made me feel, any weirdness that would insue with Danny, Laura, Topher, Ashton, and Mila. Mostly with Danny and Laura. Chris is his brother, and her ex-boyfriend. I work with both of them, and if seeing Chris and I together would wig them out at all. If either of them felt strongly weirded out, I'd end it before it really started. They're my best friends, I don't want them to feel weird around me. Hell, I'm weird enough for us all ... well maybe that title goes to Ashton.
I'd never done more than kiss another guy, I think it was on a dare, but I wasn't ever afraid to say a guy was good-looking. Laura, Topher, and Ashton all said that they didn't realize Chris felt anything towards guys. And honestly, neither did I, I'm not sure he did either. We were talking yesterday and I mentioned how in his post he said he might not be cut out for relationships, and that he just hasn't found the right girl yet, one of us said 'or guy' only being half serious, and I suggested he try making out with one, see how he liked it.
Well, he did. And he liked it. So did I.
I'm not going to go into exact details of what went on between us. That's between Chris and I. I do like him, I never thought of him other than "Little Masterson" before yesterday. Then all of a sudden it was like "Hey... he's pretty hot..." and other thoughts running through my mind.
I am somewhat worried about Danny's reaction to all of this will be. One of his best friends- a guy no less- having feelings for his brother....
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| Time: | 9:55 am. |
| Mood: |  refreshed. |
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Sexual things are very nice. Very nice. Especially from someone who knows what he likes, and in turn would know what I like.
I don't think I've ever been so pleased before.
Wow.
I'm going to go sleep now. Hopefully have nice dreams. :)
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| Time: | 2:44 am. |
| Mood: | helpless. |
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three of my best friends are hurting and there's nothing i can do about it.
do you know how shitty that makes me feel? theres nothing i hate more than seeing my friends, the people i love, in pain. they're all great people, and if there was any way i could make this better you bet your ass i would do it in a millisecond.
lau, dan, ash... you know i'm here for you... i'm not going to be 'choosing sides'... i can't pick between the three of you. but i will be here to listen to all of you.
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